I would like to say that it’s just been in the last few years that my weight has become a concern for me, but I would be lying on two counts. The first, I have always had a rather ferocious appetite, and have had to be careful. The second is not only a concern, but more like a runaway train that I find I am spending a lot more than a passing thought on. Logic tells me that as we age, our metabolism slows down, and it’s easy for the weight to add up. It also tells me that the less active I become, my food intake must decrease proportionately. That is logic. This is fact. I strongly dislike logic.
I have tried many weight loss programs such as Atkins, Slim Fast (you know, the one where they supply you with chocolate shakes to dunk your donuts in), Weight Watchers (I just watched myself gain weight) as well as others. My favorite is the one where I eat a light breakfast, a light lunch and a light dinner, but I eat all the in between meals I want, because, if no one is looking, it doesn’t count.
My cardiologist told me that I could either go on statins to control my cholesterol, or I could become a vegan. I didn’t want to seem uneducated by letting him know I didn’t know what that was, so I just told him I am a Baptist and I am not switching religion for anyone or anything. Later, my wife told me what a vegan was, and I was even more vexed. I told my doctor that I would give up steak when they pry my dead, cold lips from around it. My doctor is so cool. He just said,”Go for it.” He is so understanding. I think he is well worth the money I pay him.
When I decided to get serious about weight loss, my wife and I bought the equipment to ensure my success. We purchased an expensive, high-tech treadmill (with cup holders and everything, you know, for the weight loss shakes), a stationary bike, a weight bench and barbells, a total gym and a Bowflex. However, once we hung as many pieces of clothing as we could on them, I had to build closets anyway.
We are proud owners of a family membership at the local “Y” also. I just knew that with the inside track, the basketball court, the swimming pool and the workout equipment, the pounds would just melt away. And as soon as I can find my key card to get in (yeah, I lost it), that youthful body hiding under the layers of fat I am carrying will make themselves visible (can’t wait to see them, I never have before).
The sad truth is, some people eat to live, although I only know one. The rest of us live to eat. Just think. When we plan vacations, we plan them around food. If there aren’t some very good restaurants at a suggested vacation destination, we’re not going there. I believe that is why no one vacations on the moon. OK, that’s one of the reasons.
My intentions are always admirable. I say I want to eat where I can get plenty of vegetables and the items that are good for my health, and that is true. However, I never order those items. I can make a salad the most fat laden, carb-riddled food item in existence, and wonder why my pants won’t fasten afterward. How many people do you know tyhat put cheese on a peanut butter sandwich? I just tell folks I wear bib overalls because they’re stylish.
The Bible tells us there’s nothing new under the sun. I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last, so let’s break open another jar of peanut butter, hand me the Velveeta, and let me plan my next diet.
Herb Day is a longtime local radio personality and singer-musician. He can be reached at [email protected]