By Rex Huppke
For anyone complaining about a lack of media access to Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, her campaign has great news: It now has a podcast!
While the candidate hasn’t held a press conference in more than 250 days, her campaign has launched the “With Her” podcast, hosted by a self-avowed Clinton supporter.
The first podcast came out last week, and as you might imagine, it asked the tough questions like, “What’s the first thing you do in the morning?” and “What’s the best case scenario for what dinner’s going to be tonight?”
Clinton does some one-on-one interviews but generally seems to do everything possible to avoid the media scrutiny most presidential candidates endure. So I figured if she can give a podcast interview with answers that help craft her campaign’s message, I can take those real answers and craft my own made-up questions around them.
With that, I give you my exclusive, one-on-one interview with Hillary Clinton, which is every bit as authentic as the podcast from which I took the answers:
Rex: Thanks so much for agreeing to do this interview.
Hillary: I don’t remember consciously doing it, but it does resonate with me.
Rex: Ummm, OK.
Hillary: Now I’m not going to pretend that I like it, because I don’t.
Rex: You seem to hate the media. Tell me about an average day in the life of Hillary Clinton.
Hillary: The average day is I usually get up, get dressed and get out the door.
Rex: Anything you’d like to add to that?
Rex: OK. Next question. Your opponents paint you as a calculating liar. How do you respond to that?
Hillary: Technically, maybe that’s right.
Rex: Wow. Didn’t expect you to say that, I guess.
Hillary: I know for some folks that seems boring, but for me it’s very rewarding.
Rex: Being viewed as dishonest is rewarding? How so?
Hillary: It’s what motivates me, and it’s what lots of times gets me up in the morning.
Rex: You’re saying you like it that people don’t trust you?
Hillary: That’s exactly what I was saying.
Rex: Hmmm. I’m starting to see why you don’t do more interviews. What about your surrogates who believe in you and say you’re very warm and funny in person?
Hillary: That is not true. That’s another one of those rumors that people spread.
Rex: OK, but you’re running for president. And you don’t like the idea of Donald Trump becoming president, right?
Hillary: It just infuriates me.
Rex: Then what’s the basis for your campaign?
Hillary: I have such a long to-do list, it’s really depressing. I have a to-do list on paper. I have a to-do list in my phone. I have a to-do list in my head.
Rex: So you want to become president so you can accomplish things. What are those things?
Hillary: We’re in Miami; we could get good Cuban food.
Rex: I don’t think you need to be president to do that.
Hillary: And of course we have cases of Three Daughters beer that we picked up.
Rex: Wait, are you telling me what you want to do as president or asking me if I want to party with you?
Hillary: It’s all interconnected.
Rex: Is there any chance you can speak about the questions surrounding your missing emails?
Hillary: I check my email.
Rex: I’m sure you do. But I’m wondering whether, as secretary of state, you used that private server so you could avoid public accountability?
Hillary: That’s exactly how I felt.
Rex: What made you think you could get away with that?
Hillary: It was so smart and sensible.
Rex: No, it was reckless and incredibly arrogant.
Hillary: It’s a great way to live.
Rex: I don’t think you realize how much this contributed to the perception that you’re not an honest person.
Hillary: It was the culmination of so much hard work.
Rex: HARD WORK? WHY WOULD YOU WORK HARD AT REINFORCING LONG-HELD PERCEPTIONS OF YOU AS A POLITICIAN WHO OPERATES BY HER OWN SET OF RULES?!?!
Hillary: I have lot of stamina and endurance.
Rex: Now you sound like Trump. I’m going to wrap this up. Secretary Clinton, do you think you’re going to win in November?
Hillary: That’s a really perceptive question.
Rex: It’s literally the most basic question I could possibly ask you.
Hillary: I’ve always believed that life is a gift, and it could be a fleeting gift, you never know.
Rex: Now you’re just spouting aphorisms. What do you plan on doing after this interview?
Hillary: I’ll take my phone out and look at all the little videos and the pictures and put a smile on my face and then collapse.
Rex: That sounds about right. Thank you for your time, Secretary Clinton; this has been both baffling and worthless.
Hillary: Good to talk to you.
Rex: Was it?
Hillary: I hope so. (laughs)
Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Readers may email him at email@example.com. Column courtesy of the Associated Press.