Last updated: January 08. 2014 11:19AM - 548 Views
By Lenore Skenazy

Story Tools:

Font Size:

Social Media:

Why is it that every year, it is only us — the adults — who bother making resolutions? Clearly there is a much simpler way to make our lives saner and sweeter: Give the resolutions to the kids.

Imagine all the cigarettes and Scotch we could easily forswear if only our kids kept even a handful of these vows!

— When entering an elevator pungent with a stranger’s perfume, I will not exclaim, “P.U.!” and hold my nose for the duration of the ride.

— I will make every effort to put down my electronic device, at least when bathing.

— After I take a snack from the fridge, I will not perch on the bottom shelf of said fridge to eat it.

— I will bring no talking toys to the table. But if I do, I will not insist they be given their own place setting and dessert.

— When asked to try a new food, I will sample at least enough to cover one taste bud before making loud gagging noises and spitting into my napkin.

— Throughout the meal I will eat with all due speed, neither resorting to mouse bites nor consuming substantial items like bananas or burgers in one single, unclosable mouthful.

— I will not kick my doctor anywhere in the bellybutton-to-knee zone, no matter where he/she attempts to shine a light.

— Nor will I physically assault the person cutting my hair, clipping my nails or trying to get a teaspoon of cough syrup down my throat.

— I will place nothing valuable, breakable, or breathing in the microwave. If I do, I will warn my parents before they put in leftovers.

— Once I watch my favorite scene in a show, I will not immediately watch it another 16 times, no matter how moving the SpongeBob/Krabby Patty dialogue.

— When I have finished eating all my cereal, I will not turn my still-milky bowl upside down to prove it.

— Should someone as ancient as my parents insist on saying hello to me, I will not scurry behind my parent’s leg in terror.

— When spotting a person of remarkable girth, I will exclaim neither, “Boy, are they fat!” nor, “They must eat a lot of food!”

— My coat will never lie in a heap two inches from where I walked in.

— If, for reasons of extreme fatigue, my mother or father decides to skip one tiny element of my bedtime routine — the tummy tickling, the kissing of the stuffed bear, the turning off the light then turning it on again then off again to confuse local monsters, etc., I will not insist that he/she start the whole thing from the top, under pain of nonstop screaming.

— I will accept the fact that homework, teeth brushing, neck washing, vegetables and visiting the relatives are nonnegotiable.

— I will not whine.

— I will not screech.

— I will not spill.

— I will not sing the Kars-4-Kids jingle to the exclusion of all other songs.

— I will not grab my sibling’s favorite toy from his/her clutches and fling it on the floor as if it has cooties.

— I will remain incredibly cute and lovable for another 18 years. Or at least 18 minutes.

Lenore Skenazy is the author of “Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)” and “Who’s the Blonde That Married What’s-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can’t Remember Right Now.” She is a syndicated columnist and appears in The Logan Daily News on a weekly basis.

All user comments are subject to our Terms of Service. Users may flag inappropriate comments.
comments powered by Disqus

Featured Businesses


Info Minute

Gas Prices

Fairborn Gas Prices provided by GasBuddy.com